haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's blow job season.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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