so that wasnt chicken after all
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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