dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
