Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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