Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
