i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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