I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
