Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sorry about my life...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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