we have pet lesbian snakes
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You're like the curious george of whores
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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