Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
