I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
