Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
