My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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