I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize