I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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