I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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