Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
