I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
