Jerry, you need to find god
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
