can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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