He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
