dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
