The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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