happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
