hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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