He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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