So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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