he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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