I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So apparently I’m into choking now
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