Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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