That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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