Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she told me i tasted like america
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
