By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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