Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
