I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
