im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
