Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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