Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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