I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
