My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
