I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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