Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
