Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
