If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
