There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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