I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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