How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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