Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
even my farts smell like vagina
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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