I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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