I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
