Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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